Women blog

Sunday, October 26, 2008

My Failed Marriage... How I surrendered...and accepted it.


I tried everything to get my ex back!!!

... i cried for a year almost every day, or I drank myself to sleep or ate comfort food to escape. The pain of not letting go was sooo much stronger and devastating than accepting the separation and moving on. I was afraid, plain and simple. Scared to start my life over, "alone" uncertain about my future, and feeling rejected and unloved by the man I gave my heart to.

It's funny to me, because I started practicing the LoA a year prior to our breakup-

I also knew deep inside that it was a mistake to marry him in the first place, I knew the day before we wed. But I tricked myself into believing it would be wonderful, and focused my attention outward- I was more concerned with how others would see me, being married to a "wonderful" man. How happy they would be for me. lol

Needless to say, I kept on practicing the LOA- focus boards-etc before and during our marriage. Here is the "funny" part,  our life together just got worse and worse- until finally, I ended up in a domestic violence shelter with our baby and a coffee can filled with change.

I kept my focus board with me during that time in my car- as I spent most of my free time in it while being homeless for 3 months in search of a new life. But I still grieved for our marriage and desperately wanted him back. Even though I knew in my heart I would never be happy under his conditions, I could never be a step-ford wife.

I spent an entire year focusing on HIM instead of myself. I even had a sta-sta-stutter for about 6 months. It was terribly embarrassing and I tried not to speak up, and limited my verbal reactions as much as possible! Through ALL of this, I still wanted him back!

The "funny" thing is that- I never gave up on the LOA even through all of this!
I started to understand something about myself through this- that I had dreams, interest's and passions that were about ME- independent of him or anyone else. I had something that was ALL mine! Interest's that gave me pleasure to explore, hobbies that turned into a healing regimen, and an undeniable devotion to living in the PRESENT- where I was most comfortable & relaxed... even though at times hard to accomplish- it was and IS satisfying to know if in deed I'm in the PRESENT or not!

I guess my point is that for me I learned the LOA.... has it's own unique map to manifestation, and even during the lowest points of my life, they are set up that way through the universe to get me ultimately to a place I long for. The pain, unhappiness, and hard lessons are not the universe being against me, but rather the Universe taking me on- to help manifest my desires. Sometimes that means I will experience terribly ugly situations, but I believe those situations are needed in order to get me to understand myself better. To understand how my reaction to events and situations determine if I am "present" or not.

I have gotten to a point now where my attention is focused on me and my inner happiness- instead of what I don't have in my present life. I am now free and independent- and with that comes clarity! This is something I would never have had in my life if the tragic end of our marriage never happened.

My new perspective is that I feel sorry for him- and hope one day before it's too late he might be happy living in the present himself. For me, the present moment is an ongoing love affair with myself- a place I can count on and learn from, and every now and then experiences of magic and dreams come true.

I hope this helps a little-

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